My husband and I will be married for 15 years this November. Time flies. A house with a picket fence, 3 kids, a dog – everything I have always wanted. We have been through a lot, sicknesses and deaths of loved ones, September 11 (he worked at the Financial Center), a few years ago a lay off (after 10 years at a company), and now the uncertainty of the market (he’s a NASDAQ trader). Every time you think you have it all under control and you are moving forward – something happens – this time RECESSION.

Kit Yarrow, a consumer psychologist and professor of psychology and business at Golden Gate University in San Franscisco, offers these five tips to help couples recession-proof their relationships.

Tip 1: EXPAND MEANING OF WEALTH – Expand your definition of “wealth” and “security” to include all of your riches — good health, hobbies, pets, friendships and, most importantly, your spouse and family. Couples have to realize what’s really important to them, thinking about all the riches in their life besides money. If people are conscious of this and show appreciation of the other person in their relationship, and other members of their family, it takes away some of sting of what they have to give up when financial circumstances limit them.

Tip 2: CONSIDER NEW ROLES – Flexibility in the face of change is the best defense. Uncover the secret psychological expectations you have about what a “husband” or “wife” should be and consider expanding those concepts to meet new economic realities.

Tip 3: CREATE A ROUTINE – In times of uncertainty, it helps to create as much predictability in you life as you can — scheduling the good (and the uncomfortable) does just that. Set up weekly budget meetings that includes not only talking about finances, but also the best ways to handle anxiety, feelings and your marriage. Also schedule weekly meetings of a more romantic nature to keep the emotional aspects of your relationship strong.

Tip 4: MIND THE GAP – Be aware that stress and anxiety deplete emotional resources of every kind — everyone has a little less resilience right now, and everyone needs a little more support. That gap can be the start of misunderstandings that can mushroom into real conflicts. Don’t jump to conclusions; focus more on your spouse and less on yourself.

Tip 5 – DO THE DOABLE – Focus on what you can do, and avoid panic around what you can’t do. Remember, fear is just a warning bell — worrying does not solve problems, it short-circuits rational thinking. Be mindful and stay in the present. Reach out for help, and also help others — it’s empowering.

Couples have to understand that the economy is beyond their control, and instead get really focused on things you can control. It’s the anxiety over things you can’t control that causes marital problems. So make up your mind that worrying doesn’t help, or makes things work any better. Some people feel like worrying is doing something, and feel like its wrong to have fun, but it’s a mistaken notion that you have to be serious because you’re going through serious times. Remember to control what you can control, and let go of what can’t. You have to have great empathy for your spouse, and you have to have it for yourself. Marshal all of your resources to support and assist — our ability to give to each other is a source of salvation.

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